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- "Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself."
- H. L. Mencken
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- "The average family exists only on paper and its average budget is a fiction, invented by statisticians for the convenience of statisticians."
- Sylvia Porter
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- Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby
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- "But there, everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses."
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- "I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."
- Fred Allen
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