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- I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly
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- "So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?"
- Billy Connolly
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- "What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? A silver sixpence?"
- Billy Connolly
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- The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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- "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes."
- Billy Connolly
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